expectations...

While driving home from dropping the kids off at school this morning, a sleeping Silas in the back, I noticed a pregnant mama walking down the street with her dog. First baby, I thought. This always makes me smile. She is expecting.
Expecting to cuddle and snuggle and play in the sprinklers and rock endlessly in a rocking chair while humming lullabies. And she will do all those things.

Last year at this time I was "expecting"...to be a third time around mothering expert who doesn't sweat the small stuff. The mama of a mellow (that's what "they" say) third baby. I expected to have all the help in the world from my eager and doting older children and lots of time to watch and marvel at their sibling-hood.
Well, I expected too much. Silas is his own guy with all sorts of his own ideas about where he is going and at what speed...and at what ear shattering pitch. He is NOT mellow but driven, curious beyond curious, insistent, full of FEELINGS, he is intense and physical and relentless. He is wearing all of us out. He is an incredibly spirited kid. As was Mac and Emmett...each in their own ways.
I definitely never would have predicted this level of chaos (Matt did!) and I truly did believe that no one would ever feel neglected or left out the way Mac and Emmett can sometimes feel when Silas NEEDS me NOW! (Matt knew that too!)
I just never thought it would be so hard.
Now his first year is over and I feel a bit guilty to breath a sigh of relief. After all, aren't I supposed to be sad that the time has gone so quickly? Well, maybe...but each day as, little by little, I learn more about this boy...his baby-thought-process, his likes (elephants, airplanes) and dislikes (tomatos, getting off the swings)...I fall deeper in love with him...the REAL him...not the expectation.

I am blessed with three uniqely awesome people who I am privelaged to get to watch grow, from scratch!

...and when I go upstairs after hearing, "mamama!" on the monitor, I can't help but feel lovelovelove when I see that face!
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